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Secrets of the Dripping Fang #07; Please Don't Eat the Children by Dan Greenburg; Illustrated by Scott M. Fischer |
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CHILDREN'S FICTION | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
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New from Dan Greenburg! What can we expect from the next two brilliantly creepy books in the deliciously disturbing Dripping Fang series? Well, it’s probably a safe guess that they will be just as bizarre and frightfully fun as the others. And we could possibly surmise that they’ll take our two heroes, Wally and Cheyenne Shluffmuffin, back to the clutches of the show-tune-happy Hortense Jolly at the Jolly Days Orphanage, where odd adventures might ensue. Who knows, maybe even The Jackal (of international assassin fame) will make another appearance. nbsp;nbsp;nbsp;nbsp; Nothing’s exactly for certain when it comes to these out-of-the-ordinary tales, but it’s definitely a fact that Dan Greenburg gets wackier and more inventive with each new installment. While trying to convince the FBI that giant ants are kidnapping and enslaving the citizens of Cincinnatti, twins Wally and Cheyenne Shluffmuffin, with the help of their vampire father, escape the clutches of the enormous ghouls who want to adopt--and eat--them. Chapter 1 nbsp; The Adopters Are Coming! The Adopters Are Coming! “Cheyenne, Wally, fabulous news!” cried Hortense Jolly, owner of the Jolly Days Orphanage. “I have people in the visiting room who might be willing to adopt you. And guess what! They even live in Dripping Fang Forest, a place you already know and love!” nbsp;The Shluffmuffin twins were on their hands and knees on the kitchen floor, scrubbing mung from between the tiles with ammonia and boiling water. nbsp;“We know Dripping Fang Forest,” said Wally, his eyes smarting from ammonia fumes, “but we don’t love it, Miss Jolly. And we don’t need anyone to adopt us. We already have a perfectly good father.” nbsp;“But, darling, you know how the Child Welfare Bureau feels about vampire dads who can’t support their children,” said Hortense. “Why do you think they took you away from him and brought you back here? And why won’t anybody give your father a job?” nbsp;“Employers have a stupid prejudice against the living dead,” said Cheyenne. “Poor Dad. It’s not his fault he doesn’t have a pulse. He didn’t ask to drown in a Porta Potti.” She sneezed and blew her nose into a tissue. nbsp;“We can talk about all this later, children,” said Hortense, shepherding them briskly out of the kitchen. “Right now I want you to get into that visiting room and charm the Stumpfs.” nbsp;“What if we hate the Stumpfs?” asked Wally. “Will you force us to let them adopt us?” nbsp;“Of course not,” said Hortense. “Not if you hate them.” nbsp;“You promise?” asked Cheyenne, sneezing again. “On your word of honor?” nbsp;“I promise on my word of honor, okay?” said Hortense with a weary smile. “Now get into that visiting room and be charming.” nbsp;The first thing Cheyenne and Wally noticed about the couple in the visiting room was their teeth. They were yellow and triangular, like a shark’s, and extremely sharp looking. Did their teeth grow that way naturally, Wally wondered, or did they file them into points? nbsp;The second thing they noticed about the couple was how fat they were. Not pleasantly chubby like The Pillsbury Doughboy, but grossly, waddlingly obese, like hippos. It looked as though heavy bags of water had been glued to their bodies under their clothes. nbsp;“Mr. and Mrs. Stumpf,” said Hortense, “may I present the Shluffmuffin twins, Cheyenne and Wally. They’re excellent dishwashers, pot scrubbers, and floor waxers. They do windows, and they’ve had all their shots.” nbsp;“Oh my,” said Mrs. Stumpf, “they look lovely. But so skinny. What do you feed these poor things?” nbsp;Mrs. Stumpf had greasy skin, especially around her mouth, and she smelled vaguely of rancid cooking oil. nbsp;“Madam,” said Hortense, “our chef, Maurice—who, I’m proud to say, was trained at the world-famous Cordon Bleu cooking school in Paris, France—prepares these orphans only the finest of gourmet meals. For example, for breakfast today he made them fluffy souffl?s with caramelized apples, hot cocoa topped with cr?me fra?che, and individual puff pastries with amusing little faces made out of chocolate chips, which he began preparing before the sun was even up.” nbsp;Wally had to force his lips together to keep from laughing. Breakfast was the usual—stale bread crusts and gruel the color of mucus, w |
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